confessions

It has been a while. Probably because the past two weeks have been miserable.

But alas, the silver lining (that was there the whole time, I just wasn't looking up)...

Being pregnant is the hardest thing I've ever done. It affects everything. The show, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant", is impossible. There is no way they couldn't have known!

Since Jarrett and I were only married 5 months when we found I out I was 6 weeks pregnant, it all came pretty quickly.

The hormones that is. Had I ever given thought to the idea of my body not being my own source of physical living and that my reaction to it would affect my husband during the almost year that one is pregnant? No. I figured you get a cute belly, a few cravings and some foot rubs and some tiny not cool side effects that fade to the glow and joy of a baby coming. Combatting the anxiety that carrying a tiny life inside you can put a toll on you. And if you can't combat it-everyone around you suffers. Because you aren't only dealing with anxiety, you're dealing with physical soreness, abnormalities, lack of sleep and a plethora of other things that you can't control and sometimes can't manage-from bleeding, bedrest, 2x on modified bedrest, unanswered bleeding, rashes, and antibiotic rounds its more to handle than I ever imagined. Add to that our puppy dog is confined from the house until I'm healthier and better equipped to handle him. We've been married and pregnant longer than we've been just married. And trying to convince someone that this isn't your norm when its the majority of what they've seen can be difficult. It can be difficult to convince yourself of it too.

I had some difficulty accepting the reality of it as well. Up until probably a week ago, I had zero confidence in surviving this pregnancy and quite frankly was pretty well convinced the baby wouldn't make it. I couldn't see a baby in the new year, I couldn't imagine being pregnant over Christmas, or changing diapers over Valentines. It just wasn't something I could visualize, so I feared all of the changes and adaptions I was making were for..well nothing. And if it did end up not happening, how could I ever come back from it? I've been changed {scarred} for life. I would take turns on different days just crying at night because the day seemed so long and there was seemingly no progression.

Pretty depressing. And thats exactly what I was. But I wasn't happy giving up no matter how tired I was of trying. I had to find answers to the whys and whats.

Answers are found in Jesus.

He was waiting, patiently as always, for me to give him my questions. Funny thing is, a lot of them aren't answered. Like carrying full term, not answered yet, we're only 23 weeks. Why there was bleeding, not answered. Will this medicine work to make me physically feel better? Not answered. Will Jarrett's car completely fall apart by this weekend? Probably (sorry different situation). But He said He was with me. That He hasn't abandoned me. That He loves this baby more than we do and ever can. And He foresaw this sweet baby and his timing before we were even dating.

See, I had kept asking the Lord to help me trust Him more. If you are worn out or tired-I don't recommend this prayer. Because the Lord answered it by giving us one thing after another that we can't handle, He is forcing us to trust Him more. I mean, hey, I asked for help in trusting Him more: what better way than thing after thing being more than we can handle, fix or even digest? We have nothing in us to tackle each one. We have to continuously offer these things to Him asking for help to believe that He is good, that He is sovereign over their outcome, that He will provide now and in the future.

In about an hour I'll forget all of these things. And I'll be tempted to look around and see no progression and no silver lining. But it won't be worth it, I must look to the author and perfecter of our faith to be free. Free to hope, to laugh, to be joyful, and to relax in this current situation.

I used to get so upset when I couldn't sleep at night, tossing and turning, letting frustration build. But last night, Baby was up with me. And I was grateful for each kick, punch and stretch. We are so undeserving of such a gift, and so grateful that though its been painful, it has grown us up in ways that only God can construct.


Last Saturday I bled for a little while, so to the ER we went (not the first time). And we were blessed to find our sweet baby doing great, his home unaltered and healthy. We don't know why or where the bleeding was from but we have a sovereign God watching over our little 1 lb miracle: